Avoid time-consuming conversations: create a friendly but determined distance

There are conversations that you just don't have time for at the moment. How do you do that to the potential interlocutor in a friendly but firm manner clear?

Time management - but please be polite?

Again and again it goes to Best of HR - Berufebilder.de® on the subject Time management. An important factor in doing this is setting yourself apart from others People don't waste your time. That sounds good for many people at first, but it also implies that you distance yourself from others from time to time, say “no” and possibly even be unfriendly and impolite, depending on how you look at it. That's why the topic of saying "no" always causes controversial discussions. A reader wrote to us:

“I find that Article really failed. There are really friendlier and more polite ways to deal with pushy people. You always meet twice in life. Often in different roles ... "

Correctly say “no”

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In fact, it's just his question of perspective, because in my opinion there are a number of ways of not letting one's time be stolen – for example by saying “no” in a friendly but firm manner. Or by ending conversations that you don't have time for right now in a friendly but firm manner with small, polite signals. The whole thing also has a psychological component and a biological background, as Manuel J. Smith writes in his book Say No Without Scruples. The new Method for increase of self-confidence and self-assertion”, published in 2011 by the Munich publishing group explains:

As a student I attended the lectures of a young lecturer for Psychology named Joe, whose style of presentation was downright frank, unvarnished and headstrong. He did not leave the students with any of their naive ideas about the science of psychology. He refused the expected explanations about eerie and fascinating deviations or about the normal course of thought processes, behavior and the Motivation to deliver. Instead of complicated theories as to why we behave in a certain way, he chose a simpler route. He contented himself with describing how a process itself psychological plays, proceeded from very simple assumptions and advised us to leave it at that. His experience had led him to believe that 95 percent of what was being offered as scientifically sound psychological theory was utter nonsense, and that it would be a long time before we could come up with our own Features know enough to exhaustively explain most of our perceptions. The truth of Joe's argument is just as compelling today as it was twenty years ago - and I wholeheartedly agree with him Opinions. Long-winded technical or mystical explanations are often of great interest or even literary merit, but they are not only superfluous, they complicate the subject without adding an iota to our understanding. In order to be able to use what psychology actually offers as tools, it is more important to know what is useful than to know why it is useful. I find it useless to think long and hard about why a patient is having difficulties; this can degenerate into academic self-gratification and may not yield even after years of therapy satisfied posting result. It can even be harmful. It is far more expedient to focus on what the patient will do to be Behavior to change than to deal with why he is misbehaving Joe dispelled any illusion that psychologists are the new, all-knowing high priests of human behavior. As he said in a lecture: "I hate students who Ask to which I have no answer.” As you can imagine, Joe behaved in the privacy not much different, and while he was an expert on human behavior, he too had his Problems with the environment. Over the years I got to know Joe better, both as a friend and as a colleague, and found that he had the same problems with other people as I did, and to about the same extent. I made the same observation with other psychologists and psychiatrists. The doctorate and acquired Background does not exempt us from having the same problems as our family members, neighbors, friends or even our patients, regardless of Job and schooling. If our spouse or lover is unhappy about anything, they can within us guilt wake up without saying a word. A look, a door closed a little too loudly, or an icy request to switch to another television program are all that's needed. Joe once complained to me, "I don't have the faintest idea how they do it or why they react the way they do, but somehow I always feel guilty, even when there's no reason." But it's not just the spouses, that pose problems for us. When parents or in-laws want to achieve something, they are very good at reducing their adult sons and daughters to anxious children. We've all experienced how we knot ourselves internally when Mother suddenly falls silent on the phone, when the mother-in-law or father-in-law gives us a disapproving look, when mother or father makes meaningful remarks, such as: "You seem to be very busy, we don't even get to see you anymore" or: “A lovely apartment has become available just around the corner from us. Why don't you come over here tomorrow night and we can look at them together.” As if family conflicts of this and other kinds aren't enough to make us feel insecure, we also have to deal with the problems brought to us by outsiders. For example, you know very well that the car mechanic did a bad job, but the workshop manager explains to you with great expertise and in great detail why the radiator is still overheating, even though you have just paid over a hundred marks for the repair. Although he gives you the feeling that you don't know anything about cars and that you don't know how to use them properly, you still have the suspicion that you have been cheated. Our friends cause problems too. When a friend suggests you do something you don't want to do Lust then you almost automatically make excuses. You need to lügen, so that your friend is not offended, but at the same time feel You feel guilty for lying to him. Every day brings new conflicts. Many people embrace the unrealistic notion that living with problems day in and day out is unhealthy or unnatural. But this is wrong. Life presents problems for all of us and that is completely normal. However, it often happens that someone who thinks a normal person has no problems decides that the lifestyle we are all trapped in is not worth the trouble. Most of my patients have developed this negative belief. However, it is not a consequence of having problems, but arises from a feeling of being unable to cope with those problems and the people who raise them. Although I have those feelings myself when I've properly tackled a problem, my whole experience as a psychologist resists them Ideathat humans are a genetically outdated species who should have lived in an earlier age when everything was simpler. What nonsense! I do not accept that we are losers who cannot live happily ever after and adequately deal with the problems arising in our age of industrialization, urbanization, sanitation and space. Based on my professional experiences and naturalistic observation of the thousands of people I have met in my life, I come to a much more reasonable and realistic conclusion: Not only is it normal to expect life to present us with problems, but it is the expectation that every human being is capable of mastering these problems satisfactorily. Without the innate ability to deal with all sorts of problems, the human species would have died out long ago. Contrary to the prophecies of some doomsday prophets, we humans are the most successful, adaptable, intelligent and resilient biological organisms ever created by nature. If the evidence and the general conclusions of anthropologists, zoologists and other scientists are correct, then eons ago a long evolutionary struggle took place on our planet in which the genetic Family Our human and animal ancestors struggled to survive with other species under the harsh conditions dictated by the ecological forces of nature. Our ancestors not only survived this struggle, they were even strengthened by it. We have survived and thrived while other species have died out or nearly died out because we are both physiologically and psychologically engineered to survive in any conditions. Man is the product of generations of animals that have evolved the ability to cope with the problems that hard times and severe living conditions have thrown at them. With the help of this ability, which no other life form has to a comparable extent, we have not only conquered our earth, our environment, but have now started to work, this ours Welt and to preserve the other species that live on it for future generations. Now what is this inherited problem-solving ability that Success brought about by the human species? What do we have in common with the dying animal species and which characteristics are only reserved for humans? A study of the conflict behavior of other species, particularly vertebrates, shows that the two participants fight and the weaker one eventually flees. Both fight and flight are effective ways for animals to interact with one another. These forms of conflict resolution appear to be almost automatic, pre-programmed responses with high survival value in lower animal species. We humans too fight and flee from each other, sometimes forced, sometimes of our own free will; sometimes we do it openly, but much more often we hide our reactions. However, what most distinguishes us from the other species are two new abilities that we have acquired during our evolution: the ability to speak and the ability to solve problems. We can communicate with each other and work together to resolve conflicts and problems. These are the two main survival skills that set humans apart from other species.

9 tips to distance yourself from other people in a friendly manner

But what can we do from it for the practical Everyday life in dealing with possibly annoying fellow human beings? If you want to learn to say “no” more consistently, you should simply heed the following 9 tips:

1. Direct the conversation in the right direction from the start: Do you want to be polite but not talk a lot? Never ask "How are you?" (this is an invitation to a more confidential conversation) but: “What can I do for you?”
2. Look at the clock. Take a short break in conversation to say with regret: "Oh, it's already so late!"
3. Switch to the past tense, accompanied by a compliment: "It was very nice to have talked to you."
4. References to the future: “We should expand this discussion elsewhere” or “An interesting thought that we should pursue when the opportunity arises.”
5. References to dates: "Unfortunately I have to say goodbye now." Add: "But it was very interesting to talk to you again."
6. Make it clear that you will continue to think of the person you are speaking to in the future: "I'll email you the necessary information!" Of course, it is important to keep the promise.
7. A colleague for whom you don't have time now is heading for your office? Demonstrate lack of time: Pretend - preferably with documents under your arm - as if you just wanted to leave the office.
8. Especially if you don't know people, misunderstandings can easily arise because you accidentally cut sore points - and these can lead to time-consuming discussions. For example, you rave about the walks with your dog. Then the colleague says: “Oh, you are one of these dog owners too? I was recently bitten by a dog. " Now a sure instinct is required so that the harmless conversation does not become a fundamental discussion.
9. So if you notice that you have made a mistake: Say something soothing, for example: "That always depends on how such a dog is brought up." Then do not insist on your position, but switch to another, positive topic.

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