Understanding emotions & addressing them directly: approach communication as a metaphor

It is not a matter of course that you emotions have really perceived of their fellow human beings. Many People don't seem to understand that. Here the image of the landing approach communication will help.

The landing approach communication - a perfect metaphor

Since many people do not seem to understand that others do not understand their “self-evident” emotions, I am always happy to tell the following story: Imagine you are the captain of an Airbus A750 with 380 passengers and you are approaching Munich Airport. The air traffic controller in the tower sends you a message with the following words: "Take the south runway coming from the west!"

What do you think, what will the reaction in the tower be if you just say "Got it!" send back? Well, I'll tell you that. The response will be that the air traffic controller urges you to do exactly what you understand, in what may not be socially acceptable terms.

What exactly did you understand?

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Why? Quite simply: because he is the sender of a unique message after this completely unspecific Information has no idea what exactly you understood as the recipient of the same!

But he absolutely has to for sure may be that you understood exactly what he sent. You obviously understood something... but what exactly?

"Understood!" or "I understand!" just means you report back that something has gotten to you. The Technology and the transmission channel have apparently worked. But what exactly did you understand?

All fine

I therefore strongly recommend sending what your flight instructor taught you: “Roger! Runway south coming from the west! ” If you report this back, the air traffic controller knows that you have understood his message correctly.

He will have a quick respite and what is even more important for our subject: He will not have to send you any more questions!

Correct understanding saves lives!

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Do you notice something? In aviation, it is vital that the sender of a message can ensure that his statement has arrived technically and in terms of content. Only if the recipient confirms the message word by word, it is ensured that this has arrived.

A misunderstood or incomprehensible message can cause two aircraft to collide. The military is similarly communicated. For a soldier it is self-evident to repeat the command received.

Misunderstandings with serious consequences

When a tank commander tells his gunner: “Enemy tank at 11 o'clock”, the gunner repeats the message and immediately points the cannon at the thing to be fought Objective .

A misunderstanding could be here as in aviation fast have serious consequences. Incidentally, the same applies to seafaring.

Intelligence in the subconscious

Our subconscious is more intelligent here than the conscious. He seems to know that misunderstandings are a normal occurrence in the world Communication are.

Therefore, it will not be happy until he gets the feedback, that his message, his emotion, was also understood as he sent it.

Always say!

The important message at this point: It's exactly the same when dealing with the emotions of others! For our Brain there is nothing to be taken for granted!

Especially when we find it difficult to address emotions directly and also like to think: “Why should I address something that everyone can see?”, We should simply be aware that the subconscious mind cannot recognize what we think . We have to tell him. We always have to tell him, "Hello, I understood exactly what you sent."

Why people do not come down!

Emotions work in the same way. This is the reason why people who are upset about something do not come down when the only feedback they get is a blurred “I understand you”. So let's say:

I tell my participants in each seminar what I am describing to you when it comes to recognizing the emotions of others. I also give them the tip at the beginning of our training sessions to simply consciously omit the “but” when sending emotions or acknowledging the emotions of others.

Omit the "but"

Simply? As if it were that easy! We humans are creatures of habit and nothing is harder for us than giving up habits or even behavioral automatisms. I didn't feel any different when I experienced this for the first time years ago! Most participants only notice this “but”, which they speak almost reflexively, when the group clear amused gets a little restless.

Of course, those who are not on stage now listen much more closely and notice the “but” very well. In the next step, the participants then try to actually omit the word, but occasionally fall into a kind of shock, because its use is so automated that they simply do not know how to proceed without it.

Please praise not relativize!

With a little creativity then fall back on “however”, “whereby” or “nevertheless” and only now realize as you speak it that these are also relativizing or adversative conjunctions.

So to words exactly the same disastrous Effect have like the "but". If I then give them a little help with the tip to simply say "and" instead, something like: "Honey, I can understand that you're angry, but we still have to talk to each other!"

Language is used without reflection

At this point, both the trainer and the participant normally need a break and a sip of water! Is it not incredible how automated and unreflected we use language and do not notice what we do with it?

By the way: If you actually want to illuminate or relativise what you said - no matter what it was - you have to use the "but" of course! It is only counterproductive when it comes to expressing and recognizing emotions.

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