Mental self-management in everyday life and at work: Don't put your light under a bushel

To be a good colleague or friend to others, I need compassion and empathy, but also klare Boundaries and Self-Awareness. I need to know who I am, what I want and need. Anyone who wants to please everyone has one here Problem.

Everybody's Darling - a practical behavioral pattern

Do you know Everybody's Darling? Everybody's Darling has a keen ear for unspoken requests. Although he knows that he is being exploited, he always smiles, says yes and amen to everything and does not show his anger - which he can definitely feel - not showing.

And he secretly hopes that someone will notice how much trouble he has given himself and how unfair it is. But he overlooks how practical his behavioral pattern is for all involved.

Smiling always there for others?

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His smile and his always good mood make it his too Executive lightto let him do it. After all, an Everybody's Darling also organizes every company party, always brings cake and provides birthday presents.

He also acts as a trouble-maker / aunt for anyone who has trouble. Who should want something to change? And who wants to know exactly how unhappy the victim is? He does not want it any different.

The stage of Everybody's Darling: The others

Private it might work similarly. An Everybody's Darling revolves around that Family, the partner, the children, the friends in the bowling club - everyone else is of course more important than himself. Secretly he feels unseen and neglected, but he does not show his anger and sadness to anyone.

On the I-stage of the Everybody's Darling, the all-all-right maker is the dominant figure. He has probably already learned in his childhood that only the one who is never upbeat and always friendly and always restores his desires is loved.

Whoever can do everything with himself is unsexy

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The tragic thing is: being Behavior is determined by his need for affection, but affection will hardly be felt for him.

But on the contrary. Someone who only ever nice and obedient and shows no rough edges, one finds it rather boring. Anyone who lets themselves be done with is unsexy. The whole thing has deeper psychological causes.

Who wants to provide harmony is burned

When Vera contacted me at the time, all she wanted was psychological advice to resolve the family conflict. She had often allowed herself to be pushed into similar helper roles by friends and colleagues.

Your impulse, at all costs for Harmony having to worry showed that her self-management didn't work in such a situation. With the consequence of being easily exploited against one's own will and without taking care of one's own well-being.

Someone who wants to create harmony for the devil has the best chance of being crushed and burned in the process. And whether he is really thanked for his help is another matter.

“I do everything for the store”

“I really do everything for the shop, I'm the first person in the morning and usually turn off the light in the evening. But do you think I'll be thanked for that? Everyone just dumps their work on me. 'Can you just...' I hear all the time. i like mine Office never leave. Because I'm guaranteed to be approached at the door by someone who wants something from me."

"And then you do what you are asked to do?"

(quietly) “Mostly yes. That's not so good, is it? But what am I supposed to do? Everyone is nice to me and I don't want to be in front of anyone Head bump."

“You think you'll offend your colleagues if you do too No say?"

Suddenly bitchy?

“Well, they only know me like that. What would you think if I suddenly feel bitchy and only think about myself? "

"Bitchy?"

"It would be selfish if I refused to help others, right?"

“I think your point of view is pretty black and white. So far, you say, put up with everything. And the Alternatives would be to help no one anymore? Isn't there a middle way?"

“But then I would have to say no more often. And I can't do that at all! I never could. Or actually telling someone to their face that I don't Lust have to do his job? Oh God!"

“Just the thought makes you right Stress? "

"Oh yeah, I can already feel myself blushing." (quietly) “… And I don't want to get a warning for refusing to work. In my Age I can't find a job anywhere."

What would happen if ...?

"Do you really think that you could be given a warning if you were no longer quite so docile?"

"Well, it could be." (silent for a while) “No, probably not. My boss knows all about it for surewhat he has in me. He always praises me for my work. Mostly to immediately follow up with something like: 'Could you perhaps look through these documents as soon as possible?'”

"What do you want to change?"

“It would have been good if I wasn't always like that fast Say yes and amen to everything. Someone once gave me the tip to answer more often: 'I don't have a clear head right now. I'll think about it and get back to you later.'”

"That wouldn't be a bad answer, would it?"

“And I could also say: 'Unfortunately I can't do that at the moment.'”

"Exactly."

The desire to be liked

“Oh no, I'm just not like that. I can not do that. I'm just an ›everybody's darling‹. I want to be liked by everyone and I do everything for that. "

"And you mean you can't change that?"

(quietly) "Maybe. I don't even know how." (louder) “Oh no, you know how it is about mine self-confidence stands. I would prefer it if YOU talked to my colleagues and the boss and asked them not to overwhelm me with work…” (sighs deeply) “But that's not possible either. It's my own fault. i am a coward And totally conflict-averse. There's nothing you can do about it..."

Vera had obviously been taken in by her helper syndrome. After we found that out, she resolved to stay out of it and stop playing the game.

Know what you want

Anyone who understands this and no longer feels like being everybody's darling is faced with a great task. Because for a long time you were guided solely by what others think and want from you.

In order to be able to navigate according to your own compass, you first have to find out what you think, feel and want for yourself. And that will probably take some time and a lot awareness need.

Shame and self-criticism

Some Everybody's Darlings, who have recognized their problem, first lapse into a phase of self-criticism. How could I be so stupid ?!

It is terribly embarrassing, so much to woo the affection of others. So hard to go to court, of course, no one helps. At most, it is unsettling and leads to no longer trusting the path itself.

Identify the reasons of the behavior

Far smarter than being ashamed and accusing yourself is to delve into the roots of your scripts. If you understand which one Sinn once justifying everything for yourself and your surroundings, it becomes easier to accept this part of your personality.

There is no evil intention behind it, but probably the childish attempt to protect oneself against rejection and devaluation.

Do not put your light under the bushel

Especially who in the Working world wants to survive should give up the stupid habit of hiding your light under a bushel and let others do the same tax to leave. The motto here:

“You are you and I am me. (…) I do what is mine; and you do your thing. I'm not on this one Weltto meet your expectations. And you are not in this world to fulfill mine.

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