Leadership Satire: The Speech & The Motto

"Hannes manages" is a satire from and about the management floors. And Hannes wonders how a manager can get good news out to people.

How do you proclaim a “good news”?

Hannes sits listlessly in front of the computer. Time is running out. As CEO of an international industrial group, he has to inform the workforce this afternoon about the unfortunate financial situation of the Company orientate.

This not-really-happy message tops the announcement that a large part of the production will be moved to Asia.

Ladies and gentlemen…

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"Ladies and gentlemen, I am stepping before you today to inform you about a drastic measure," Hannes begins to type. “Step” – that sounds too much like “step in front of the Schmitte” – too dramatic. So more directly: "Ladies and gentlemen" - this is probably a bit formal, distanced, Hannes shoots it through Head. “Dear employees Employees”. Exactly, that presses Esteem out, that's what the mission statement says.

So: "Dear employees, I am informing you today about a drastic...." – No, Hannes doesn't like that. "Drastic measure" sounds as if we would have to close the company. We only relocate to where the markets are. Basically we are going closer to customers. Exactly, we want “customer proximity”. That doesn't sound like dismantling, but rather the creation of new distribution channels. Hannes gets going.

Positive sound

"Dear Colleagues. I am pleased to inform you about our new Strategy for more customer focus. Bringing the distribution channels together is the recipe, but it also calls for sacrifices”. No, “sacrifice” doesn’t work at all.

Change-Projects are “opportunities”. "We have the unique opportunity to position ourselves better in the market with the realignment". Yes, that fits. It should sound positive. Nothing about “shrinking down”, that would mean that we “grew sick” beforehand.

Even more good news

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“Focus on the core core businesses” - yes, that has to be done. "The reasons for this realignment are mainly market influences from low-wage countries". “Market influences” - Hannes cuts out the word, it gives the impression of external determination. “We are adapting to technological and demagogic change and are an active player in globalization”. It's good. Hannes senses that it is right to communicate such happy messages personally.

The Rede should be enriched with a few nice-sounding adjectives like 'sustained', 'result-oriented', 'level appropriate', 'win-win', 'optimized', 'lean' and indispensable nouns such as 'state-of-the-art', 'culture of debate', 'food for thought'.

To symbolize cohesion

If we set a coherent framework motto, Hannes thinks, the mood this afternoon will top that of the anniversary event. Hannes thinks. “Fit for future” that sounds good. Abbreviated with 'fi-fo-fu', it is cosmopolitan with a matching Asia touch. Hannes has 'fi-fo-fu' skewers in mind, which not only promote employee cohesion, but also symbolize it.

We're all fighting on the same skewer, he thought, proud to have found a saying. With these he was usually at loggerheads. We hit with pinpoint accuracy, so that it hurts the others and the fattest bits get stuck. Hannes is convinced that he is landing a rhetorical joke. With fish for 'fi', foal for 'fo' and fox for 'fu', he not only finds the right meat ingredients for this culinary-psychological one metaphor, but also the symbolic content of the realignment: fish for adaptation, foal for dynamic, energetic and fast, fox for clever. Hannes is with himself satisfied.

Fi-Fo-Fu or fit-for-future

The screen now reads: “Dear employees. I look forward to informing you about our new sustainable strategy for more result-oriented customer proximity. We have the unique opportunity to position ourselves in a lean and optimized market with a level-based realignment. We adapt to technological and demagogic change and are an active player in globalization. Included focus we increased on our Power and the central core businesses and create a win-win culture of debate with this state-of-the-art, which gives us a culture of constant food for thought. That's why I'm pleased to invite you to fish foals and fox skewers, true to our new motto "Fi-Fo-Fu" (fit-for-future).

Hannes looks at the clock – the Orientation is going to start soon and he still has to order the fish. Hopefully he gets everyone.

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